4 years old:
After my brother was born in the US, we went back to India for a while. I got sent to a small village school for LKG (Lower Kindergarten). There was a girl I met there whose name I forgot. I liked her instantly. At the time, I compulsively wanted to be friends with her. Can you even have a crush on someone at such a young age? I guess I did. All I remember is that her mom eventually told me to leave her alone.
After my brother was born in the US, we went back to India for a while. I got sent to a small village school for LKG (Lower Kindergarten). There was a girl I met there whose name I forgot. I liked her instantly. At the time, I compulsively wanted to be friends with her. Can you even have a crush on someone at such a young age? I guess I did. All I remember is that her mom eventually told me to leave her alone.
Kindergarten:
I was 5 when I started Kindergarten at my first elementary school. I met a girl named Callie and we became really close, best friends. We did almost everything together. Later in the year, she also became friends with Nikki and Chantel. I was rather jealous. I don’t know what I was thinking back then, but I really liked her and I didn’t want to share. At the end of the year, she moved away.
During Kindergarten, I also got to know the boys my age living in my apartment complex. I never went through a “boys have cooties, eawwww” phase because 1) I had a brother and 2) most of my friends were boys at the time. There weren’t many girls my age in the area.
1st grade:I was 5 when I started Kindergarten at my first elementary school. I met a girl named Callie and we became really close, best friends. We did almost everything together. Later in the year, she also became friends with Nikki and Chantel. I was rather jealous. I don’t know what I was thinking back then, but I really liked her and I didn’t want to share. At the end of the year, she moved away.
During Kindergarten, I also got to know the boys my age living in my apartment complex. I never went through a “boys have cooties, eawwww” phase because 1) I had a brother and 2) most of my friends were boys at the time. There weren’t many girls my age in the area.
I was talking to Madeline Easton when she mentioned
excitedly that her crush was coming to our school. I didn’t understand what she
meant, so I asked “what’s Crush?” and she, after a few unsuccessful attempts,
explained it to me in a way I still didn’t understand, something about liking a
boy.
Later, I developed a “crush” on one of my best friends, Jayan. He was perhaps the most annoying person ever to cross my life at the time. He was better than me at everything, a complete perfectionist, and constantly tattling about me to our teacher Ms. Raines and getting me in trouble. He should have been infuriating; after all we were just kids. But still I was crazy about him in an awkward little girl way.
2nd grade:
I noticed Kate Neuman the moment I walked into my classroom on the first day. I had to sit next to her. I’d seen her around before, and now I finally knew her name. I don’t know what made me say “I’ve always wanted to meet you” but I did. I didn’t see anything wrong, I was just being friendly. She frowned like I was crazy, and my smile faltered. Then came the teasing and bullying. Those girls’ faces on the playground leering at me in my mind, taunting “Do you like Kate? Do you like Kate?” No. I hated her. I became explosively insecure. I got into a ton of trouble. I hated the girl who’d made my life hell. And then we moved.
We still lived in the same city, but we moved from an apartment into a house. At my new school, I was still alone and ostracized, for whatever reason. It was no better.
That summer, my mom, my brother, and I went up to the school to spend the day at the playground. We saw some girls playing lacrosse in the field so we sat down on the bench to watch. Another girl joined us after a while. She was fair with light blonde short hair and could have been in or just out of high school. I instantly found myself being pulled to her. We talked to her for a while, and she pointed out her friend/sister/cousin who was playing in the field. She left to go to work, and I left wondering why I felt a little goofy.
Later, I developed a “crush” on one of my best friends, Jayan. He was perhaps the most annoying person ever to cross my life at the time. He was better than me at everything, a complete perfectionist, and constantly tattling about me to our teacher Ms. Raines and getting me in trouble. He should have been infuriating; after all we were just kids. But still I was crazy about him in an awkward little girl way.
2nd grade:
I noticed Kate Neuman the moment I walked into my classroom on the first day. I had to sit next to her. I’d seen her around before, and now I finally knew her name. I don’t know what made me say “I’ve always wanted to meet you” but I did. I didn’t see anything wrong, I was just being friendly. She frowned like I was crazy, and my smile faltered. Then came the teasing and bullying. Those girls’ faces on the playground leering at me in my mind, taunting “Do you like Kate? Do you like Kate?” No. I hated her. I became explosively insecure. I got into a ton of trouble. I hated the girl who’d made my life hell. And then we moved.
We still lived in the same city, but we moved from an apartment into a house. At my new school, I was still alone and ostracized, for whatever reason. It was no better.
That summer, my mom, my brother, and I went up to the school to spend the day at the playground. We saw some girls playing lacrosse in the field so we sat down on the bench to watch. Another girl joined us after a while. She was fair with light blonde short hair and could have been in or just out of high school. I instantly found myself being pulled to her. We talked to her for a while, and she pointed out her friend/sister/cousin who was playing in the field. She left to go to work, and I left wondering why I felt a little goofy.
3rd grade:
I became best friends with Rissy Schyler. We talked about everything. She was pretty boy-crazy and we ended up talking about boys a lot. I told her all about Jayan.
At the same time, rumors started spreading about another girl at school, Audrie Acres, that she was a lesbian. I didn’t know what a lesbian was, but everyone around me told me it was a bad thing. She kissed girls, it was weird. I was a girl who only wanted to fit in – I was still very insecure – so I swallowed what my peers said, about Audrie and about lesbians. Only years later did I find out that the rumors were never true, but by then it didn’t matter.
My parents put me in a tutoring group type thing with my friends Shri, Janani, Nikitha, Jayan, Kumar, and Havish. I still liked Jayan pretty bad.
4th grade:
Nothing changed much. I made my way through a few little crushes. Liem, Kara, Seth, Mark, Janie. I grew into this rough tomboy personality. I had subconsciously figured out by now that girls should like boys, so I didn’t call Kara and Janie crushes in my head. I shut out that part of me that I didn’t know was a part of me. But life went on as usual.
Kailey Hughes, a bright-eyed redheaded girl, joined our class in the middle of the school year, and I felt an inexplicable urge to be her friend and get to know her. When my teacher asked for a volunteer to be her buddy and get her accustomed to the school, I raised my hand enthusiastically. I did become her friend and get to know her, but I found that she wasn’t my really my type.
I started going through puberty, and I was alarmed at the changes in my body. I didn’t really understand why I couldn’t just stay the same.
I heard the word sex for the first time. When I asked a friend what it meant, she told me it meant a man and woman making babies. So of course, in my head, I visualized a man and woman standing in an empty lot trying to conjure babies out of thin air.
5th grade:
My hormones were playing all kinds of tricks. I had all these boy crushes. I found myself staring at girls in a curious way. They sort of fascinated me. I never assumed that was out of the ordinary.
Once, one of my friends mentioned something like “Did you
hear that two women got married?” I was taken aback and wanted to know how that
was possible. No one seemed to be sure. Weird, I thought.
About this time was when my mom had the talk with me. Well,
not exactly “The Talk” (the birds and the bees were never explained to me by
anyone) but just the Indian version of the talk. “You feel differently about
boys than you do about girls, right?” Not
really, I thought. “Sure,” I agreed anyway. Mom talked about how now that I
was going through puberty, I would be attracted to them and that I would have
to keep my distance. It was an uncomfortable discussion for me, because I’d
never had a heart to heart conversation with either of my parents. At the time,
I didn’t know that this talk was happening because my mom had read a diary entry I wrote about liking Jayan.6th grade:
I met Josie Pannet on the first day of middle school. I later met Daniel Stein and Mike Davis. They would play a part in my life a little later though. I was, however, instantly attracted to Adithya Walker, the boy with the hard-set jawline and intelligent eyes. Everyone seemed to think we were good for each other (maybe it was because we were both Indian?), and we even might have been. We had a lot in common, but ultimately our similarities served to repel us more than anything.
When I went to 6th grade camp, I stayed in a cabin with 8 other girls. Some of them would come in after a shower with nothing but a towel on or change in front of everyone, as I gaped in confusion. The excuse “We’re all girls here” made zero sense to me, but all the other girls seemed to take it in stride. Girls weren’t supposed to think about other girls that way, I eventually figured out. It was the first time I realized that the feelings I had about other girls were unusual in some way, but I just pushed away the discomfort without thinking about it.
7th grade:
I developed this huge crush on Daniel Stein, who also happened to be Adithya’s best friend. Tan, outspoken, perfect smile, golden-haired Daniel Stein. Adithya was the one who told me that Daniel liked me too. Daniel and I flirted and talked a lot after that. I could never figure out why Daniel ended up thinking that I still liked Adithya, but things just ended sourly before they even had a chance to begin.
This year I came to be friends with Josie Pannet and Mike Davis. I hadn’t gotten along great with Josie in 6th grade, but she was more laid back and friendly now. Josie was tall, athletic, gorgeous, slender, and carried herself elegantly. Sharp as a needle and smart as a whip… and just so beautiful. The more I got to know her, the more impossible it was not to like her. Once, Josie and her friend were having a sensitive discussion in a hallway they thought was empty... except for me. She was a little distressed when she realized I’d heard. “You can’t tell any-” She began, but I cut her off. “Josie… You’re my friend. I would never do anything to hurt you.” My own sincerity surprised me. She seemed a little surprised too, but smiled at me gratefully. Looking back, that was the moment I started feeling something more for her.
She started going out with Darren in the middle of the year and I was immediately jealous. At the time, the feeling of jealousy didn’t make any sense to me. I had absolutely no interest in Darren, who I found cocky and arrogant. So where was my jealousy coming from?
In health class, I finally got clued in to what sex actually was. Or at least the mechanical part of sex. My reaction was “THEY DO WHAT?!?!” I resisted that idea with all my might. Why would anyone ever want to do that to have kids when they could just adopt? Yeah, I know. I was confused a lot back then.
My interest in politics grew tremendously and I started following the news. The repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell was everywhere. When I followed up on it, there was a lot I didn’t understand in the least, so I did what I always do. I read up on it. What does it mean to be gay? How are people gay? Why did the US military oppose it? I ran into a lot of opinionated articles and came across the terms “sexuality” and “sexual orientation” which I didn’t really understand either. I eventually came out of my research with the opinion that the repeal of DADT was a good thing. The way I saw it, if our men and women in uniform were risking their lives for us, it shouldn’t matter whatever went on in their personal lives. I also came across the phrase “Marriage is between one man and one woman” which seemed to be redundant to me. After all, that was the meaning of marriage, wasn’t it? When a man and a woman got married?
It was also around this time that the derogatory phrase “That’s so gay” started bothering me. The word “gay” now symbolized a group of people to me.
One time, I was telling a joke when Josie
laughed at me in her regal way and said “Selvi…” in a smiling voice. My heart
almost skipped a beat. I made her laugh, I thought happily, not stopping to
wonder why. One day in the locker rooms, I accidentally walked in on her changing her shirt and suddenly I felt like I couldn't move. I just stood frozen and stared at Josie until another friend of mine slapped me on the arm and pulled me away. Josie
dated Abraham that year, and they were good friends. Abraham was a nice boy,
but I could tell there were few sparks between them.
I met Tony Rickman that fall while playing flag football for the school.
It had been a long time since I’d grown out of my silly crush on Jayan and we became like siblings. Our study group had brought four of us particularly close – Shri, Jayan, Kumar, and I could slap each other, joke with each other, flirt without it meaning anything, and wrestle and fight without hesitation. We started to joke about Jayan and Kumar's undying love for each other, but I’m sure none of us were serious about it. Somehow, I just found it good to know that the others were comfortable with the idea that two guys could be together. I proposed to Shri just for laughs, and she pushed me over and thought it was funny.
Shri and I agreed that if we were 30 and unmarried (which I joked that in my case was very likely), we would move in together. Maybe we would go to Japan so Shri could teach there or maybe to Europe. We were just innocently dreaming about the world ahead of us.
My friend Jess used the word orgasm in class while telling a dirty joke. I laughed along with the rest of the class like I understood, but later looked up the meaning of the word. So that was the other part of sex, was it? Apparently, it was supposed to be fun and pleasurable. By some point, I was able to connect the dots and identify myself as a sexual being. In health this year, I learned that romantic relationships often led to sexual relationships. They also taught us about oral. Everything new I learned drew me into further confusion, but at the end shedding innocence and achieving understanding was worth it.
Freshman year:
Alissa Valton was a Junior in my PE class. She was short and really cute. I didn't like her like that, but I became her friend and loved her crazy personality. I noticed a ring on her finger one day that I complemented and asked where she got it. “My girlfriend” she answered, twisting it smiling. I was slightly surprised, but I smiled back.
After this encounter, I began to discover the LGBT community and issues on a more personal level. I came to understand and accept their struggles. I came to be a supporter for equal marriage. Love was love. People were people. The world needed more love, I thought blissfully. And a girl with a girl or a boy with a boy, it just made so much sense. I also came to identify as straight. I liked boys, obviously. So I was straight, right?
Then I found out that Alissa was bisexual. I asked what that meant. Her response “I like boys and girls” scared me just a little. Bisexuality couldn’t be legit… and I only ever crushed on boys, not girls. I was straight, I desperately reassured myself. Looking back, I don’t even know how I justified this in my mind. How could I not know? Not realize?
I found out in passing conversation that Kailey Hughes was bi as well. I found it amusing since I’d liked her in 4th grade. She’d cut her red hair attractively short when she came out.
Around this time, Tony Rickman asked me out for the first time. I’d never been confronted with that kind of thing before, so I just said no. We were already friends and he joked that I just wouldn’t go out with him because I was lesbian. Egotistic jerk, I joked. Somehow my mom found out that he had asked me out (I think she looked through my text messages?) and told my dad and we had the Indian “talk” all over again, but more severely. I didn’t see the point, since I wasn’t going to go out with him anyway and I didn’t feel ready for any relationship.
When my dad was driving me to a cross country meet the next day, he parked the car and interrogated me about my behavior. I should dress more modestly. Did I keep my distance from boys? No touching or hugging? Of course I hugged my guy friends from time to time, but what was I supposed to say? I said no. Then my dad told me to keep my distance from girls as well. “Some Americans have disgusting, weird thoughts and practices, and you shouldn’t be affected by that.” I sat there shell-shocked. That was a thinly veiled jab at LGBT people. At dad’s condemnation of “weird” and “disgusting”, the tears started spilling out of my eyes. Those words stabbed at me in such a personal way. I don’t know what dad thought I was crying about. I don’t even know what I thought I was crying about. But my tears were definitely not caused by the no-dating-in-high-school rule.
Josie started going out with Steve and they were all over each other all the time. She seemed really happy. Walking in the hallway one day, I chanced upon them sharing a kiss. It looked so soft and loving, I felt an unjustified pang. I’d never liked Steve either. She was so steady, so unflinching. She knew what she wanted and went after it. Why did she always go for the egocentric jock boys?
Mike Davis and I became close friends. I started walking to classes with him, talking to him more, and getting to know him a lot better. I admired how passionate and driven he was. He was kind and thoughtful, with a great sense of humor. At a certain point, I thought that we were just really good friends, but eventually I admitted to myself that I liked him a lot… I felt like I wanted to ask him out, but I wasn’t ready for a relationship, but I still liked him a lot. WTF? We had a lot of chemistry but I think neither of us wanted to be a couple, so we ended up drifting apart a little.
At a dinner party at a family friend’s house, I saw a girl with warm eyes, dark skin, and a shy smile. Her name was Rhia Ramani and she was a Junior. We slipped into easy conversation and I found myself trying to make her laugh. The next day, I went through about 30 Rhia Ramanis on facebook, and tried to see if the school/area matched. I even considered messaging each one, but decided against it. When she eventually found me, I was elated. We chatted for a while. I remember being oddly disappointed that her profile described her as “Interested in Men”.
Tony and I talked and texted more often and I started helping him with all his girl problems, offering what advice and understanding I could. We started calling each other best friends.
In the spring, I read the novel Annie on My Mind by Nancy Garden. It was a beautiful and heartwarming book. I watched Deepak Chopra's Fire (1998). I became obsessed with the LGBT community. I felt drawn there somehow, but I still stubbornly thought I was straight.
In June after school ended, there was a dinner party at Jayan’s house. Shri and Kumar were there too. We roughhoused a lot more than we normally do. When we got bored, the suggestion of spin the bottle came up but was rejected. Afterwards, I found myself pondering it and realized I wouldn’t have minded kissing any of them.
Later in the summer, my family went on a road trip on a charter bus for the first time, with a couple of other families. I noticed a young woman who couldn’t have been more than 22 years old. I’d never seen her before. She had sleek hair and a radiant smile and was wearing an attractive floor length skirt. You are so stupid Selvi, I thought to myself, going red. As it turned out, she was married and had two little kids. I ended up befriending the whole family. I fell asleep on the long drive and according to the others, I was so out of it that I wouldn’t wake up when my dad tried to wake me up. But for reasons beyond explanation, her calling “Selvi” and patting me on the arm sent an electric current through me and I woke up.
The rest of the summer, I pretty much wasted away at home. I became addicted to fanfiction. I read all sorts of femslash stories. Why? Just because, I guess. I had no idea in the world. I spent days feeling foggy and disoriented, like there was something I wasn't getting, something that I needed to know that would make everything make sense.
I usually meditate to clear my mind. This time, I ended up slipping into deep meditation. It overpowered me and drove me, pushed me to understand things, showed me things that had happened and dared me to guess what they meant. I came out of it with the realization “I think I’m bisexual”. This was the day that I used the word to identify myself for the first time. I used it hesitantly, warily, as though I wasn’t sure the label fit me.
I threw myself into research. What does it mean to be bisexual? What are the attitudes towards bisexuals? Who do bisexuals date? Can I know for sure that the label fits me? Reading gave me some peace. I started making a playlist of songs dealing with LGBT themes. I listened to This Is Me by Jen Foster over and over and over again. I danced to Born This Way by Lady Gaga all alone in my room. Slowly, the pieces of my life floated together. Being able to understand myself gave me a boost in self-confidence. More than anything, I am trying to love myself like I never have before.
Sophomore year:
A week after school started, I was having an exceptionally bad day. I’m not usually ever down, but that day, my dad and I had fought and I needed advice. I poured out my heart about the day I was having to one of my best friends, Tony. That was when I decided to come out to him. I somehow knew from the beginning that he would be the first one I told. It would be a lot less awkward than telling one of my girl friends. Plus, I already knew he was LGBT-friendly and that some of his exes were bi.
I wrote “I’m bisexual…” in tiny letters on the corner of a piece of paper and handed it to him. I was completely shocked by his reaction – or rather his lack of one. He said he’d already known for a year and had been waiting for me to tell him. I hadn’t even known then. But he had, and he didn’t think any differently of me. I was overwhelmingly happy. He’s the only one I’ve told. I haven’t come out to anyone else (And I’m not planning to anytime soon!).
I emailed my school’s Gay/Straight Alliance coordinator about joining this year. My friend Chyna approached me during lunch to tell me about the group’s plans. I was glad she didn’t ask why I wanted to join. I found that there were only a handful of other members, but I was just happy the group existed. I got added to the facebook group later that day. It was then that I decided to put this blog up.
I’m still trying to figure these things out, how I feel and what to do with it, but so much of it makes so much sense now that I just know it has to be right. The past is always a good place to start. And I’ve got my whole life ahead of me. I’ve never been in love or had a relationship. There's a lot that I have yet to experience. Being true to myself is just the first step in the right direction.
I met Tony Rickman that fall while playing flag football for the school.
It had been a long time since I’d grown out of my silly crush on Jayan and we became like siblings. Our study group had brought four of us particularly close – Shri, Jayan, Kumar, and I could slap each other, joke with each other, flirt without it meaning anything, and wrestle and fight without hesitation. We started to joke about Jayan and Kumar's undying love for each other, but I’m sure none of us were serious about it. Somehow, I just found it good to know that the others were comfortable with the idea that two guys could be together. I proposed to Shri just for laughs, and she pushed me over and thought it was funny.
Shri and I agreed that if we were 30 and unmarried (which I joked that in my case was very likely), we would move in together. Maybe we would go to Japan so Shri could teach there or maybe to Europe. We were just innocently dreaming about the world ahead of us.
My friend Jess used the word orgasm in class while telling a dirty joke. I laughed along with the rest of the class like I understood, but later looked up the meaning of the word. So that was the other part of sex, was it? Apparently, it was supposed to be fun and pleasurable. By some point, I was able to connect the dots and identify myself as a sexual being. In health this year, I learned that romantic relationships often led to sexual relationships. They also taught us about oral. Everything new I learned drew me into further confusion, but at the end shedding innocence and achieving understanding was worth it.
Freshman year:
Alissa Valton was a Junior in my PE class. She was short and really cute. I didn't like her like that, but I became her friend and loved her crazy personality. I noticed a ring on her finger one day that I complemented and asked where she got it. “My girlfriend” she answered, twisting it smiling. I was slightly surprised, but I smiled back.
After this encounter, I began to discover the LGBT community and issues on a more personal level. I came to understand and accept their struggles. I came to be a supporter for equal marriage. Love was love. People were people. The world needed more love, I thought blissfully. And a girl with a girl or a boy with a boy, it just made so much sense. I also came to identify as straight. I liked boys, obviously. So I was straight, right?
Then I found out that Alissa was bisexual. I asked what that meant. Her response “I like boys and girls” scared me just a little. Bisexuality couldn’t be legit… and I only ever crushed on boys, not girls. I was straight, I desperately reassured myself. Looking back, I don’t even know how I justified this in my mind. How could I not know? Not realize?
I found out in passing conversation that Kailey Hughes was bi as well. I found it amusing since I’d liked her in 4th grade. She’d cut her red hair attractively short when she came out.
Around this time, Tony Rickman asked me out for the first time. I’d never been confronted with that kind of thing before, so I just said no. We were already friends and he joked that I just wouldn’t go out with him because I was lesbian. Egotistic jerk, I joked. Somehow my mom found out that he had asked me out (I think she looked through my text messages?) and told my dad and we had the Indian “talk” all over again, but more severely. I didn’t see the point, since I wasn’t going to go out with him anyway and I didn’t feel ready for any relationship.
When my dad was driving me to a cross country meet the next day, he parked the car and interrogated me about my behavior. I should dress more modestly. Did I keep my distance from boys? No touching or hugging? Of course I hugged my guy friends from time to time, but what was I supposed to say? I said no. Then my dad told me to keep my distance from girls as well. “Some Americans have disgusting, weird thoughts and practices, and you shouldn’t be affected by that.” I sat there shell-shocked. That was a thinly veiled jab at LGBT people. At dad’s condemnation of “weird” and “disgusting”, the tears started spilling out of my eyes. Those words stabbed at me in such a personal way. I don’t know what dad thought I was crying about. I don’t even know what I thought I was crying about. But my tears were definitely not caused by the no-dating-in-high-school rule.
Josie started going out with Steve and they were all over each other all the time. She seemed really happy. Walking in the hallway one day, I chanced upon them sharing a kiss. It looked so soft and loving, I felt an unjustified pang. I’d never liked Steve either. She was so steady, so unflinching. She knew what she wanted and went after it. Why did she always go for the egocentric jock boys?
Mike Davis and I became close friends. I started walking to classes with him, talking to him more, and getting to know him a lot better. I admired how passionate and driven he was. He was kind and thoughtful, with a great sense of humor. At a certain point, I thought that we were just really good friends, but eventually I admitted to myself that I liked him a lot… I felt like I wanted to ask him out, but I wasn’t ready for a relationship, but I still liked him a lot. WTF? We had a lot of chemistry but I think neither of us wanted to be a couple, so we ended up drifting apart a little.
At a dinner party at a family friend’s house, I saw a girl with warm eyes, dark skin, and a shy smile. Her name was Rhia Ramani and she was a Junior. We slipped into easy conversation and I found myself trying to make her laugh. The next day, I went through about 30 Rhia Ramanis on facebook, and tried to see if the school/area matched. I even considered messaging each one, but decided against it. When she eventually found me, I was elated. We chatted for a while. I remember being oddly disappointed that her profile described her as “Interested in Men”.
Tony and I talked and texted more often and I started helping him with all his girl problems, offering what advice and understanding I could. We started calling each other best friends.
In the spring, I read the novel Annie on My Mind by Nancy Garden. It was a beautiful and heartwarming book. I watched Deepak Chopra's Fire (1998). I became obsessed with the LGBT community. I felt drawn there somehow, but I still stubbornly thought I was straight.
In June after school ended, there was a dinner party at Jayan’s house. Shri and Kumar were there too. We roughhoused a lot more than we normally do. When we got bored, the suggestion of spin the bottle came up but was rejected. Afterwards, I found myself pondering it and realized I wouldn’t have minded kissing any of them.
Later in the summer, my family went on a road trip on a charter bus for the first time, with a couple of other families. I noticed a young woman who couldn’t have been more than 22 years old. I’d never seen her before. She had sleek hair and a radiant smile and was wearing an attractive floor length skirt. You are so stupid Selvi, I thought to myself, going red. As it turned out, she was married and had two little kids. I ended up befriending the whole family. I fell asleep on the long drive and according to the others, I was so out of it that I wouldn’t wake up when my dad tried to wake me up. But for reasons beyond explanation, her calling “Selvi” and patting me on the arm sent an electric current through me and I woke up.
The rest of the summer, I pretty much wasted away at home. I became addicted to fanfiction. I read all sorts of femslash stories. Why? Just because, I guess. I had no idea in the world. I spent days feeling foggy and disoriented, like there was something I wasn't getting, something that I needed to know that would make everything make sense.
I usually meditate to clear my mind. This time, I ended up slipping into deep meditation. It overpowered me and drove me, pushed me to understand things, showed me things that had happened and dared me to guess what they meant. I came out of it with the realization “I think I’m bisexual”. This was the day that I used the word to identify myself for the first time. I used it hesitantly, warily, as though I wasn’t sure the label fit me.
I threw myself into research. What does it mean to be bisexual? What are the attitudes towards bisexuals? Who do bisexuals date? Can I know for sure that the label fits me? Reading gave me some peace. I started making a playlist of songs dealing with LGBT themes. I listened to This Is Me by Jen Foster over and over and over again. I danced to Born This Way by Lady Gaga all alone in my room. Slowly, the pieces of my life floated together. Being able to understand myself gave me a boost in self-confidence. More than anything, I am trying to love myself like I never have before.
Sophomore year:
A week after school started, I was having an exceptionally bad day. I’m not usually ever down, but that day, my dad and I had fought and I needed advice. I poured out my heart about the day I was having to one of my best friends, Tony. That was when I decided to come out to him. I somehow knew from the beginning that he would be the first one I told. It would be a lot less awkward than telling one of my girl friends. Plus, I already knew he was LGBT-friendly and that some of his exes were bi.
I wrote “I’m bisexual…” in tiny letters on the corner of a piece of paper and handed it to him. I was completely shocked by his reaction – or rather his lack of one. He said he’d already known for a year and had been waiting for me to tell him. I hadn’t even known then. But he had, and he didn’t think any differently of me. I was overwhelmingly happy. He’s the only one I’ve told. I haven’t come out to anyone else (And I’m not planning to anytime soon!).
I emailed my school’s Gay/Straight Alliance coordinator about joining this year. My friend Chyna approached me during lunch to tell me about the group’s plans. I was glad she didn’t ask why I wanted to join. I found that there were only a handful of other members, but I was just happy the group existed. I got added to the facebook group later that day. It was then that I decided to put this blog up.
I’m still trying to figure these things out, how I feel and what to do with it, but so much of it makes so much sense now that I just know it has to be right. The past is always a good place to start. And I’ve got my whole life ahead of me. I’ve never been in love or had a relationship. There's a lot that I have yet to experience. Being true to myself is just the first step in the right direction.
Selvi <3
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