Wednesday, November 27, 2013

My Mom Isn't Homophobic?!?

One morning, as my mom walked into my room, I belatedly realized that I had left a copy of Out & Equal at Work: From Closet to Corner Office out on the floor in plain view. Please don't notice, please don't notice, I willed in my mind. But no such luck.

"Hey, what book is this?" She asked. My face started to heat up rapidly and my whole body was flushed with panic. Just one thought went through my head.
I kept my voice calm and indifferent when I replied "Oh, nothing Amma, just something Chyna gave me." Which, technically, was not untrue. Chyna is the simply amazing Advisor of my school's GSA. She's also an inspiring person and great friend, and my mom absolutely adores her. When I ordered the book, Chyna let me use her mailing address. So yes, I guess she did give it to me. Not that that little half-truth was going to get me out of the deep shit I knew I was in...

I'm usually really careful. I use private browsing, I close tabs when I'm finished with them, and I don't leave things lying around. Usually.

So as I pretended to focus on typing my Macbeth essay, I was peripherally and sharply aware of my mom sitting down and opening the book to read. By this time, I was almost hyperventilating.

To make matters worse, she then decided to read out loud.

"'Out and Equal at Work: From Closet to Corner Office.' Hmm... 'The lives of... gay people'" She looked up at me. "What!?"

I cringed, feeling about ready to melt into floor. Still keeping my voice indifferent, I offhandedly replied, "I dunno, I hadn't started reading it yet. I didn't realize it was about that"

She didn't say anything. After a long, long, long time in which I had done nothing but stare at my Macbeth essay and try to process what was happening, she spoke again, reading. "'Along their incredible journey, a few of these champions lost their jobs. Some lost family and friends. Some nearly lost their lives.' WOW".

I gaped at her.

She continued, flipping through the book. "'... transforming stories and experiences into tangible social change.' WOW".

After some more time, and after my blood pressure had dropped back down to normal, she stood up and left the room without a word. Just like that. Leaving me thinking... holy shit, what just happened?

I was in shock.

Finally deciding that it wasn't worth dwelling over, I refocused my attention on finishing my essay. But the incident stayed in my thoughts, ringing like a siren in the back of my mind.

Later that night, I hopped in the car with her to pick my brother up from tennis practice. We drove along, talking about this and that. After a spell of silence, she asked, "So why did Chyna give you that book anyway?".

I turned my face to the window and looked out at the moon. "She just wanted me to read it, I guess. I mean, she has a girlfriend..."

"Oh," My mom said, showing no negative reaction at all. She went on to praise Chyna, "She's always trying to reach out and find common ground in a conversation. Those are great leadership qualities..." and so on and so on.

"Amma, I didn't realize you were okay with that kind of thing..." I tried, stepping lightly and tentatively.

"Emotional intelligence?" She asked.

I took a deep breath, and let it out. "No... gay people. I mean, Appa always gets all angry and disgusted when LGBT things come on the news, so I thought..." I trailed off.

"Yeah, I don't know why he does that. I mean, they say that it's an 'orientation' or something, but that's their life, not ours, right? So who cares?" She reasoned. "I mean, I don't know how that even works, I mean, how they do that, but it's not a big deal."

I flushed red. Was she talking about gay sex? My life was over. Surely I was dead and my spirit was having a very vivid dream. The woman who I had always assumed was severely homophobic (because she was married to my dad) was making a reference to gay sex.

"Amma!" I exclaimed, genuinely mortified.

"What?" She said, laughing. As we pulled into the tennis club parking lot, she took a more serious tone. "Look, I don't want you getting too into this gay rights thing, ok?"

I felt my heart drop. "But why?"

"There are a lot of people who are against it, like Appa. I don't want you to get in trouble. And remember your Political Science civil rights paper? You wrote it on sexism." She explained, "That's still where we're at. Think about India - there are still people who get abortions because they don't want girls. While this rights issue is racing on in America, Indian society is still struggling against blatant sexism."

I just nodded. It was true, what she said about Indian society. However, I disagreed that one social justice issue justified ignoring another one. Maybe if I was a straight ally, I would have argued a little, but I had just found out that one of my parents was not homophobic. I didn't want to push my luck.

All things considered, I still felt like I was walking on clouds.


Now I know, when I come out, I have at least one parent who might understand, who might support me. It's like a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders.

My mom has been afraid of me having secret boyfriends since I was 13. We've had (super-awkward-for-me) conversations over the years about the kind of husband I might have one day. What an image to have to shatter. Every parent has an image of what their child will grow up to be. No parent wants a hard future for their child. Mine tends to be especially protective of me. And all of that will still be a hurdle when the time comes.

But there's one mountain I won't have to move. My mom isn't homophobic. And for that, I am extremely grateful. My wonderful, sweet, tough, loving Amma has no unfounded prejudices against who I am. Somewhere in the middle of piling on the difficulty, life has cut me some slack.

And that makes me smile.

The future will never certain, and in the coming years, I don't know what life will throw at me next. But for now, I just have to keep on going, keep on loving, and keep on hoping.

3 comments:

  1. something every lesbian girl hopes with their parents...

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  2. I find it good to know that you found out that your mother is not homophobic like you may have thought she would be. Leaving that book out may have seemed like a terrible idea in the first place, but in a sense, it ended up being a blessing in disguise. Due to you leaving the book out, you discovered that your mother was not homophobic like you may have thought she was. I hope that when you come out, she will be supportive of you, especially after she revealed that she is not a homophobic. -Eric

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  3. very informative post American state|on behalf of me} as i'm perpetually craving for new content that may facilitate me and my data grow higher.

    ReplyDelete