Interested In

Today, I went on facebook and changed something. Nobody else would have noticed, but the little difference is huge to me.

I clicked on Update Info on my timeline. 

Basic Info. 

Edit. 

Challenges of Accepting the Bisexual Label

Presently, I’m 100% comfortable identifying as bisexual, but during time when I was questioning, accepting who I am was an uphill battle. I constantly rejected the bisexual label, even though it technically fit what I felt. Why was it so difficult to come to terms with?

1) “I am [insert weird label that separates me from normal people]”

It would be a lot easier to just say “I’m attracted to boys” or “I’m attracted to girls” or in my case “I’m attracted to boys and girls”. There was no hiding that from myself, and no reason to anyway.  These phrases identify feelings, which start within and can’t really be controlled.

But for some reason, the words to describe who we “are” are what people tend to focus on. Straight. Gay. Lesbian. Bi. Society always finds it easier to put people in groups and differentiate them than to really give individual worth to their feelings.

My Story

I didn’t always know I was bisexual, but now I know that I always have been. This account is brutally honest, detailed, and offers no excuses, sugar-coating, or romanticizing. It may make you uncomfortable. It's also a bit long. Names and places have been changed or left out to protect the identities of the innocent ;)

4 years old:
After my brother was born in the US, we went back to India for a while. I got sent to a small village school for LKG (Lower Kindergarten). There was a girl I met there whose name I forgot. I liked her instantly. At the time, I compulsively wanted to be friends with her. Can you even have a crush on someone at such a young age? I guess I did. All I remember is that her mom eventually told me to leave her alone.

Kindergarten:
I was 5 when I started Kindergarten at my first elementary school. I met a girl named Callie and we became really close, best friends. We did almost everything together. Later in the year, she also became friends with Nikki and Chantel. I was rather jealous. I don’t know what I was thinking back then, but I really liked her and I didn’t want to share. At the end of the year, she moved away.

During Kindergarten, I also got to know the boys my age living in my apartment complex. I never went through a “boys have cooties, eawwww” phase because 1) I had a brother and 2) most of my friends were boys at the time. There weren’t many girls my age in the area.

1^st grade:

I was talking to Madeline Easton when she mentioned excitedly that her crush was coming to our school. I didn’t understand what she meant, so I asked “what’s Crush?” and she, after a few unsuccessful attempts, explained it to me in a way I still didn’t understand, something about liking a boy.

Later, I developed a “crush” on one of my best friends, Jayan. He was perhaps the most annoying person ever to cross my life at the time. He was better than me at everything, a complete perfectionist, and constantly tattling about me to our teacher Ms. Raines and getting me in trouble. He should have been infuriating; after all we were just kids. But still I was crazy about him in an awkward little girl way.


2^nd grade:
I noticed Kate Neuman the moment I walked into my classroom on the first day. I had to sit next to her. I’d seen her around before, and now I finally knew her name. I don’t know what made me say “I’ve always wanted to meet you” but I did. I didn’t see anything wrong, I was just being friendly. She frowned like I was crazy, and my smile faltered. Then came the teasing and bullying. Those girls’ faces on the playground leering at me in my mind, taunting “Do you like Kate? Do you like Kate?” No. I hated her. I became explosively insecure. I got into a ton of trouble. I hated the girl who’d made my life hell. And then we moved.

We still lived in the same city, but we moved from an apartment into a house. At my new school, I was still alone and ostracized, for whatever reason. It was no better.

That summer, my mom, my brother, and I went up to the school to spend the day at the playground. We saw some girls playing lacrosse in the field so we sat down on the bench to watch. Another girl joined us after a while. She was fair with light blonde short hair and could have been in or just out of high school. I instantly found myself being pulled to her. We talked to her for a while, and she pointed out her friend/sister/cousin who was playing in the field. She left to go to work, and I left wondering why I felt a little goofy.